And with all respect, I thought to myself... "What a load of nonsense!". And so, I raise the somewhat provocative question... "Are people who think they'd be bored on perpetual holiday just boring people?"

As you might know from my previous post, I had a week-long break in Raro, a land of coconut trees, beaches and exquisite marine life. I did absolutely nothing, apart from enjoying aforesaid natural attractions in a predominantly supine position.

Could I have done that, and nothing else, for another three weeks? Certainly not. But if you gave me another three weeks there... I'd have taken five more books that I've wanted to read, and got through those. I would have visited a traditional island church service and sung along lustily. I would have wandered the markets and hunted for bargains. I would have gone down to the local police station, got a licence to ride a small scooter (test time: 30 minutes) and scootered the island. I would have chartered a boat to outlying Aitutaki island and explored there. I'd have searched out some new eating places and tried to see if I can find pomfret cooked anywhere... a fish I love in India, and just can't get in New Zealand! A month would just FLY past!

You'll notice here that money has to be no object. Surely that is a prerequisite for anyone planning to adopt the perpetual holiday lifestyle. So, brushing aside that minor consideration, let's move to the logical extension... one month is fine, but what about one year. Heck what about ten years!

Ohhh my list is long and distinguished... far from feeling dread at the prospect of a decade of unstructured activity, I feel excitement! I'd like to read more... but not just picking up novels and reading them at random. I'd like to purchase a book on the 1000 books you must read before you die. Then, I'd read the first one on the list. I'd consider my opinion of it, and take the time to write that down. I'd then post it to an online community and ask for recommendations on other books with similar themes to read and compare. I'd pick one of the suggestions, read that and repeat. Until that theme starts to bore me (it might take a while). At which point I'd go back to the original list of 1000 and pick the next. Who knows, I might publish a compilation of my theme based essays on the 1000 greatest books. Given that active reading is actually pretty hard work... I'm guessing this will take a fair chunk of my decade to do :)

I would travel. I'd go on some 'do nothing' holidays every year, where I just absorb sunshine, experience a different environment and observe the world go by. I wouldn't need to "relax" or "unwind" because I'm assuming I'd always be so! I'd also do one three or four month long trip every year, to one country or city of choice. I'd need to spend at least a month or two researching before hand... and I might need to do a recconnaisance visit first. Pyramids in Egypt, safari in Kenya, prehistoric cave art in France, Louvre in Paris, terracotta warriors in China, bazaars of Morrocco, Niagara Falls in the States, Taj Mahal in my own motherland, Ayers Rock in Central Australia. Maybe I'll write my travel experiences down... and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll photo journal... and maybe I won't. Because I suppose if I forget, I can always go back!

As for stimulating my brain... I would like to study. I'd enrol in some university classes, not with the focus of getting a degree at the end of it, but purely to explore topics that I'd never been able to before. Trade economics, Botany, Theoretical physics, Political science, Applied psychology. It's enough to last a lifetime. Now you might think I'm cheating by reintroducing work... but I'm not. This would be for FUN. I don't have to do it, I don't have to continue with it, and I don't have time pressures to complete it. But I'd probably love it!

This leads me to think about that wonderful series... Jeeves and Wooster (translated beautifully to the small screen by Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie). What does Wooster do all day? Well, put simply, he has a different standard for an enjoyable day. We have an addiction to activity, to busy-ness, as if we need the high energy, frantic pace to feel worthwhile. How many of us have experienced that "guilty feeling" in the first week of the holidays... that "I should be doing something". It begins at school after the exams, and continues with us throughout our lives.

As technology advances, as economies progress, it occurs to me that we are giving little thought as to what kind of lifestyle we would like to create for our children and grandchildren. We believe "more is more" and cram our school curriculums with even more work, instead of extending school life by 5 more years. We acquire more and more frantic jobs, and measure the increased incomes we earn as a progression in our economies. But have we become richer in terms of quality of life? Probably not. We're no poorer, I'm sure (I'm not one of those bucolic idealists who wants to milk cows and make my own cheese) - but we don't seem to be thinking about how technology and progress can make our lives more open to experiences we choose, rather than too frantic to even consider them.

I have to admit I didn't do much while there... I didn't go exploring the township, I didn't meet the locals, I didn't attend a traditional church service and I didn't peruse the Saturday markets.

What I did do was spend an inordinate amount of time on the beach at the resort, and an equal amount of time snorkelling in the warm waters of the lagoon. The entire island of Rarotonga is ringed by a reef formation, meaning that the ocean waves crash on the outer reef. This leaves a ring of calm, clear water around the island which is perfect for swimming in and snorkelling to observe the rich reef life.

On our first night there, we arrived at about midnight and headed to the beach, just to see the water. Staying at a beachfront resort helps. The moon was so bright we could see perfectly... which was lucky because one of the few sea snakes found in the region happened to be swimming near the shore. We stepped quickly away from the water's edge...

Thankfully our subsequent four days of snorkelling produced nothing more dangerous than a stonefish on the sea floor (don't step on those!). We saw clownfish, angelfish, puffer fish, eels, sea cucumbers and trumpetfish galore. Snorkelling is an exquisite experience - you suddenly feel like a member of another universe. The water, which is usually a hostile medium is suddenly opened up to you. Not needing to gasp for every breath, not needing to keep eyes shut against stinging sea water, you can explore, observe, marvel and stare. The fish don't care!

Alas, I left the Cook Islands and returned to real life... but I'm entirely committed to returning. Maybe next year.... :)

Now, I don't mean "honesty is the best policy" or any such trite statement. In fact, I most heartily believe the opposite - I think there are times when a lie is kindest, and times when a lie is necessary. I believe that the burden of truth being laid on another individual is sometimes the most cowardly thing we can do. To use a simple, salacious example - why would you tell your spouse of a one-night stand that you now bitterly regret? The other person "knowing" adds nothing to their life, rather it lays on them the burden of dealing with the pain and indignity. Better instead to stew in your own guilt forever, and make all effort to make your spouse happy!

So, it is not "honesty the best policy". What is it then? It is "utter honesty with yourself". And this is so much harder than it would first appear! What does honesty to self actually mean?

The first component is self-awareness. I think often we live our lives in a murky haze. We react to things emotionally, irrationally, immediately. We don't analyse our responses. We don't analyse our emotions. We don't analyse "how we really are". This is a state of ego-centric blindness. Our conception of "I" (the ego) stands apart from our true self (the soul? the emotion? the heart? the mind? all of the above?) and loses touch with that true self. So, the first step is to get in touch with yourself. It sounds very "new age" - but I don't mean it to!

Actually at this point, I have a small lack of certainty... I am not sure whether the objective is to immerse ourselves in ourselves, i.e. to obliterate the difference between the ego and the self, or whether it is in fact the "self" that must gain consciousness, and the ego that must simply be obliterated, or thirdly whether it is the mind (ego???) that must become more watchful and observant of the seat of emotion. Thoughts anyone?

Anyway - moving back to honesty. Once we have self awareness, we need acknowledgment. The ability to not only see emotions, responses, and thoughts but to acknowledge them in all their beauty, craziness, ugliness or stupidity. For example, if you feel a surge of jealousy at your best friend's promotion... it's unsightly! ugly! petty! But honesty requires that you not only OBSERVE this surge of jealousy, but that you acknowledge it to yourself. Don't sugarcoat it or excuse it (oh i'm only jealous because she's bragging), but simply acknowledge that an unsightly emotion has arisen from YOU! "This thing of darkness I acknowledge mine" - Prospero, The Tempest

And now, at last, it is time to proactively and productively CHANGE ourselves for the better, right? Wrong! That actually has no part in my self-honesty blog. That is a different matter altogether, one that relates to who you would like to be, what characteristics you want to develop, what you regard as good, bad, moral or amoral. My hypothesis is not that you should root out jealousy and therefore become better. It is that unless you SEE and ACKNOWLEDGE your jealousy, you will be unable to change it, or not change it. You are merely a victim of your own self, a boat tossed by waves. Get your hands on the helm and then perhaps you can decide which course you wish to steer.

A small sidebar.... there are so many people who have a clear vision of what is "good" and "moral", but have no self honesty. Often these are the people who loudly proclaim and preach to all their ideal of morality. They will tell you exactly what a "good" person looks like. Quite aside from hypocrisy though, the saddest thing is that sometimes they don't even KNOW how far they are from their own ideal. They just have a vague sense that they fall short of it, and preach all the harder to compensate. Alas.

14th February - a day of chocolates and roses, romantic dinners and cutesy cards. I've been thinking about what Valentines Day means (and god, I don't mean in the existential sense) in terms of materialism, commercialism, expectation and sincerity.

Traditional View (Soppy Style) - V-Day is about lurrrrve, about expressing how much you care, about lovers and togetherness and appreciating that special someone.

Traditional View (Bah Humbug Style) - V-Day is just a commercial thing, love and togetherness has nothing to do with "one day" and buying cards and presents has nothing to do with true feeling. I've never had anything from my wife/husband, but we've been together donkeysears...

Modern View (Pragmatic Style) - V-Day doesn't really mean that much, but it makes her/him happy to get something, do something, receive flowers, go to dinner. So why not? On a day when half the office is receiving roses, it's almost mean not to!

Modern View (Love Languages Style) - V-Day is about taking the time to express your feelings for someone, in the language they like to hear it. So, if he/she likes "gifts" that's what you do, if he/she likes "time", you go to dinner. It doesn't matter that those gestures are meaningless to *you* - sometimes it's good to think about expressing in a way that's meaningful to *them*

And finally... my view. I went through some angst over V-Day this year. I thought about what I wanted (flowers!!! roses!!! a present!!!) and I thought about what my partner would be inclined to do (nothing!!!) and about what my partner has done in the past with other people (bought the card, bought some flowers, because that's what you do) and how little that meant to him in the end (i did it because i had to).

And I went through a range of emotions, which I'll share:

- It's silly to want flowers or presents - they don't equal love

- Wahhhh I'm so jealous that he EVER got ANYTHING for ANYONE else...

- Hang on - he got them stuff, but now he's with me. So that stuff really is meaningless

- But... but... I'm sitting at work... and I really really want roses

- OHHHHH he organised roses for me!!! They're so pretty!!! I love them! My roses!

- Gosh, I'm so vain and petty, being so thrilled about roses

- Who cares! I like getting roses, I've told him I like getting roses, he got me roses, I'm going to enjoy them in all their meaningless, trivial, materialistic glory!!!

So there we have it folks, it's not worth agonising over, it's not worth navel-gazing over, but if your lover complies and sends you a dozen dark-red roses wrapped in gauze and flax.... you can sure as heck ENJOY IT :)

First, some 'foundational principles' - this is like a mathematical theorem you see!

A. people derive a sense of worth and value from the opinions of others. So, rather than being able to stand alone, people look to others to label them as "good", "virtuous", "moral". They also dislike the very people who label them, as this places them in a position of power over them.

B. people enjoy having power and control over others. They are willing to experience discomfort to achieve this power and control, but they do not derive true peace or self-worth from it.

C. people dislike inconvenience. They are are willing to indebt themselves to others because it provide short-term convenience, though they may then resent the indebtedness in the medium/long term

So how do we get ourselves into a terrible mess? Here goes...

John has a situation where it would be convenient for Susan to help him. He could fend for himself, but it would be easier to get Susan's help. So, he asks for Susan's help (principle C).

It's not totally convenient for her, but she says yes, because she gets a feeling of power (principle B) and because it makes John praise her for her selflessness (principle A). The situation continues for some months.

Now, Susan's daughter is getting married. She invites John because she wants hundreds to be present - it will make her appear popular (principle A).

It would be horribly inconvenient for John to go. But he knows that he owes Susan too much (principle C). He resents having to go, and spends the ceremony bitter about sacrificing his plans.

Susan labels him "a true friend" though, and he feels both pleased and annoyed (principle A). Susan's sense of power is renewed, but she has a sense that John doesn't care two figs for the wedding, which makes her resent him a little (principle B).

Finally, Susan's daughter's marriage ends - they weren't really in love. Susan is outraged at her daughter - their good family status is ruined (principle A)! John is secretly delighted because by now he dislikes Susan intensely and hated that stupid wedding too (principle C).

John and Susan continue to be friends of course... and do favours and social preening for each other. Because the cycle of power, obligation, duty and dislike must continue.

So - what have we got?

- Susan did favours she didn't want to - Susan unhappy

- John was obligated to things he disliked - John unhappy

- Susan rages at her daughter out of concern for what people think - daughter unhappy

What a sorry state of affairs. But what's the alternative? How's this:

John has a situation where it would be convenient to ask for help, but doesn't. He bears some inconvenience but stands on his own two feet. He feels pretty good about himself -kind of proud!

Susan's daughter is getting married and Susan is pleased for her. The daughter decides to invite her closest friends to share in the ceremony - Susan is pleased her daughter wants her there too! John isn't invited - but he does send Susan an email saying how happy he is for her.

The marriage ends, unfortunately. Susan was involved in the decision making, and advises her daughter to do what is best for her. She hugs, comforts and supports her. John hears of what happens, but shrugs philosophically. It's none of his business really.

John and Susan remain good friends - they see each other socially, and share plenty of laughs. They don't take turns paying for lunch or anything - but it feels like a relationship between equals.

Some people will say my fable has the wrong moral - that we live in an interconnected society, and we should rely on each other. I suggest we shouldn't. We should HELP each other, when we are willing and able to freely give help... but we should never rely on each other.

If you are willing to give, with absolutely no expectation of return - then GIVE! But if it means you collect a little "stamp", a little "You owe me", and then expect it to be repaid either by word, deed, time or status... then for God's sakes STAY AWAY!

Actually I few things have been buzzing around in my head lately... so I'll post a couple just to make up for lost time. Firstly though, I thought I'd share a "poem" or something that was posted on someone else's iland - she has stated it is NOT by her, so I feel somewhat vindicated in posting it. Following that, is my comment. I'm keen to hear what you guys think - am I being too harsh and cynical? Am I just a bitter person, unable to see the beauty of a maudlin, excuse me - mushy, ummm ok mawkish, no no "NICE" poem?

I AM THANKFUL:

FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.


FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED .


FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.


FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE


FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.


FOR THE PILE OF
LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.


FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.


FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.


AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.

---

Adithi said...	7:14 AM | 14/Feb/08 |
Hmmm... on one level this is kinda sweet, I mean it''s all about gratitude, remembering that nothing is for granted, and that things in life start from zero base. BUT i have to admit that i find the tone and vibe of this "poem" just nauseatingly grovelly. It sounds more like "I''m grateful for the two sticks I have because that''s all I''m worth". I don''t know. Maybe I''m being cynical, but it leaves me with no sense of empowerment. If that''s what gratitude looks like, I''ll stick with my ingratitude!

A rushing river

Carrying my gaze

Upon foaming waves

To come to rest

Against the glowing

Banks of her flanks

But loving another is not so. It stretches us outside of ourselves, it leads us into pain and doubt and hardship. It requires us to efface ourselves for the purpose of observing the beloved, and it requires us to admit the possibility or reality of being unrequited in our passions. To love another is to experience their pain, to give the veto over your happiness, to place the guardianship of one part of your joy, and peace, and fulfilment in the hands of one who may heed the responsibility little. It is not actually a great joy to love - it is far more pleasurable to receive than to give.

However, I fear that to love is the only path to growth and change and self-understanding. I fear it is the only way by which we increase, make ourselves richer, experience transformation, undergo disappointment and emerge more aware of our own strength and resilience. We love not because it feels good, but because it is good for us.

We as human beings love to own things, to possess them. As children, when we are given a toy or a piece of candy, immediately it's "mine". Classic example is when little children go to a birthday party - they're told to hand over the present to the birthday boy and suddenly they burst into tears! This rather nasty little habit never goes away, we just mask it with polite conventions!

So... when we acquire a new spouse or romantic partner, immediately we assume ownership over that person's romantic dimension (and often even more dimensions than that). We now believe that we are the custodians of that person's attractions, desires, and their romantic choices. They belong to us.

Now - this chugs along nicely so long as that person's romantic choices remain in alignment with what we want them to be. BUT - the person falls in love with someone else! They decide they want to be with them! What now? The anger the spurned partner feels is not because they will miss their lover, or because they love them (that would be grief) - the anger is because something that they believed was THEIRS has been ROBBED from them. How dare John take himself away from me.... he was MINE!

Set aside your immediate moral responses on whether it is right or wrong for John to make that choice. Whether he should or should not leave his wife of 20 years, should or should not leave small children, should or should not run away with the office hussy.

Come back to a fundamental truth - right or wrong, a person's choices belong ultimately to them. You may grieve the things those choices result in - you are lonely, your children miss their parent, you are embarassed in front of your friends - but you cannot be angry with a human being for exercising their right to make choices in their own lives.

After all, John has to live with the consequences of his own choices - no one can live those for him. And that unique position gives him that sovereign right.

I wake in the middle of the night, and begin to ponder - life, love and more. I arrive at some blinding insights, fresh ways of thinking about things, a new paradigm sometimes. I think of a pithy title for the blog I am planning to write that will share this revelation with the world. And then I sink once more into restful slumber... sleep that knits the ravelled sleeve of care. Morning comes, I wake, and recollect with delight the title of the blog, and... nothing else! Try as I might, I cannot snatch back the memory of the brilliant content I was going to write, the detail behind the titles.

There was 'Gratitude and Comparisons' - a follow-up to my previous gratitude blog, there was 'Temporality, Sufficiency and Satisfaction' - on the path to happiness, there was 'Absence of Time' - on living in the moment.

But alas, the pearls have slid away from this humble piglet, and left me wallowing in my absent-minded trough.