Where does the mire of obligation and duty rise from? How do families get bound by ritual and pretences and appearances, instead of warmth or sincerity? Here's one theory - and it applies in all social/interpersonal realms, not just the family. It's probably nothing new, but I've been thinking about it just recently.

First, some 'foundational principles' - this is like a mathematical theorem you see!

A. people derive a sense of worth and value from the opinions of others. So, rather than being able to stand alone, people look to others to label them as "good", "virtuous", "moral". They also dislike the very people who label them, as this places them in a position of power over them.

B. people enjoy having power and control over others. They are willing to experience discomfort to achieve this power and control, but they do not derive true peace or self-worth from it.

C. people dislike inconvenience. They are are willing to indebt themselves to others because it provide short-term convenience, though they may then resent the indebtedness in the medium/long term

So how do we get ourselves into a terrible mess? Here goes...

John has a situation where it would be convenient for Susan to help him. He could fend for himself, but it would be easier to get Susan's help. So, he asks for Susan's help (principle C).

It's not totally convenient for her, but she says yes, because she gets a feeling of power (principle B) and because it makes John praise her for her selflessness (principle A). The situation continues for some months.

Now, Susan's daughter is getting married. She invites John because she wants hundreds to be present - it will make her appear popular (principle A).

It would be horribly inconvenient for John to go. But he knows that he owes Susan too much (principle C). He resents having to go, and spends the ceremony bitter about sacrificing his plans.

Susan labels him "a true friend" though, and he feels both pleased and annoyed (principle A). Susan's sense of power is renewed, but she has a sense that John doesn't care two figs for the wedding, which makes her resent him a little (principle B).

Finally, Susan's daughter's marriage ends - they weren't really in love. Susan is outraged at her daughter - their good family status is ruined (principle A)! John is secretly delighted because by now he dislikes Susan intensely and hated that stupid wedding too (principle C).

John and Susan continue to be friends of course... and do favours and social preening for each other. Because the cycle of power, obligation, duty and dislike must continue.

So - what have we got?

- Susan did favours she didn't want to - Susan unhappy

- John was obligated to things he disliked - John unhappy

- Susan rages at her daughter out of concern for what people think - daughter unhappy

What a sorry state of affairs. But what's the alternative? How's this:

John has a situation where it would be convenient to ask for help, but doesn't. He bears some inconvenience but stands on his own two feet. He feels pretty good about himself -kind of proud!

Susan's daughter is getting married and Susan is pleased for her. The daughter decides to invite her closest friends to share in the ceremony - Susan is pleased her daughter wants her there too! John isn't invited - but he does send Susan an email saying how happy he is for her.

The marriage ends, unfortunately. Susan was involved in the decision making, and advises her daughter to do what is best for her. She hugs, comforts and supports her. John hears of what happens, but shrugs philosophically. It's none of his business really.

John and Susan remain good friends - they see each other socially, and share plenty of laughs. They don't take turns paying for lunch or anything - but it feels like a relationship between equals.

Some people will say my fable has the wrong moral - that we live in an interconnected society, and we should rely on each other. I suggest we shouldn't. We should HELP each other, when we are willing and able to freely give help... but we should never rely on each other.

If you are willing to give, with absolutely no expectation of return - then GIVE! But if it means you collect a little "stamp", a little "You owe me", and then expect it to be repaid either by word, deed, time or status... then for God's sakes STAY AWAY!